G.I. WTF?!?!?

So, I went out the other night to catch G.I. Joe the movie last Friday.  And wow, I don’t even know where to start with this one.  Needless to say it’s taken me a few days to collect my thoughts on the matter in order to access my feelings on the subject.

Let me just start with this, I have been a huge fan of the comic since I was a kid.  I remember when the #1 issue came out and I picked it up.  I thought to myself, holy crap this is cool.  Reading the series (while I was able to identify that it was pure make believe) influenced me to join the military.  Which I did proudly for 3 years.

I also know that it had been out for decades before that but in the form of a doll that was put out.

I would collect the toys and make my own adventures with them.  Hell many a time did I have Snake-Eyes sitting on top of Optimus Prime heading out to do battle with Darth Vader in Castle Greyskull.  Heh yup I was a dork.  Hell I still am.

And like many others, Snake-Eyes was my favorite.  I even went with a buddy of mine and we got our Clan Arashikage tatts on our forearms.

So now that I filled you in on the level of dorkiness that I have within me let me address the movie itself.

G.I. Joe the movie was crap.

Wait, let me rethink that and just list the pros and cons of the movie and let you formulate your own opinion.

Cons:
As a military man I failed to understand how the two main characters had Goatees.  It’s not allowed in the service dammit.
Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, while starting out as enemies, ended up living with their Sword Brothers moniker and would later lead a ninja squad in G.I. Joe.  He never died.
Snake-Eyes Mask had lips!!!!!!!
The whole Star Wars theme of the movie.  I wasn’t the only one screaming “Stay on target” during the last battle scene.
So when you destroy ice, it floats.  It doesn’t sink.
When you are destroying the roof of a building, don’t take the elevator up to it.  The signs on the elevator even tell you that.
The quotes from the cartoon, while cool to hear, just sounded waaay to forced.
They tried to hard to make it bound in reality and dorky at the same time.  They should have found a way to do one or the other.
No one is called Storm Shadow and Snake-Eyes at the age of 8!!!
Really Cobra Commanders mask had to look like that?

There are tons of other cons, but I should probably list the pros before I get to deep lol.

Pros:

The chicks were hot.
With the understanding constant switch in continuity in the comics and tv shows, it was understandable that they tried to mix it up.
Snake-Eyes and Storm Shadow throwing down was the shit!!!
Action and tons of it.
The chicks were hot.
The trailers!!

Yeah.  so to summarize, the movie at times felt forced or awkward in that they had to many origin stories and not enough of everything else.  The fact that Cobra Commander turned out to be the Baronesses Brother whose death she blamed on Duke while they were dating 4 years ago seemed waaaaay to convenient.  And while it was cool to see Marlon Wayans in a movie that wasn’t him trying to be funny or had his entire family in it, he just doesn’t pull off that badass like we were expected to see.

The director and writers of the movie seemed to accept that there was no way that they were going to create a believable story out of this movie and so they saturated it with tons and tons of CGI and action.  And while I can normally forgive that and just live in Actionville (i.e. Transformers 2) in this case I couldn’t be so ignorant.

Of course the movie will have made it’s budget back and the ending of it was left wide open enough for us to be stupid not to expect a sequel, I would have just like it better if they would have called Warren Ellis up and said “Hey, yeah you know what you did for G.I. Joe Resolute?  Can you do that for G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra?”