Horror Film Countdown Day 7 – Movies Anxious Parents Should Avoid

Welcome to our countdown to the most anxiety-inducing horror films for parents!  Today is day seven.

Each day, we are covering the films I both love and hate because they’re awesome and they give me panic attacks now that I’m a mom.

Today’s film and all that can fit into its category are some of the most notorious, most terrifying and, let’s be honest, some of the most fun horror films of the last 40 years.  However, just because they are fun to watch does not by any means mean we are not affected by their scares in a whole new way as parents.  Today we talk about some of the “old standards” in horror.

Disclaimer: Trigger warnings are a given when you talk about horror, but I’m going to say it anyway.  Many subjects covered by horror films are disturbing to parents in ways we can’t possibly understand and each is unique to the parent and his/her experiences. Tread carefully and know your limits.  If this begins to be too much, there’s no shame in closing the window.  Also, this post contains some spoilers throughout. 

25. The Blair Witch Project
and other assorted forest horrors…

Them: “Awww, don’t you want to take your children camping?”

Me: NO, I do not want to take them camping.

Them: “But it would be fun!” No. But… really?  They get to experience nature, campfires, Smores and waking up in the forest – it’s great!”

Okay, can we just get one thing absolutely Crystal Lake clear, here?

SERIOUSLY, JUST NO.  Stop asking.  Between the evil child-stealing/eating/dismembering witches, monsters, demons, undead, ghosts, creepy South American natives (again, thanks Eli, that was super special), ladies in white, swamp monsters, Wendigos, horrifying alien abductions, giant dudes in hockey masks who never die, and the random Jersey Devils, there are just too many reasons to never take your children to a forest for any reason, ever.  So, do you really think am I going to jump at the chance to take my children camping? Nope, nope and double nope.

Do you think it makes me feel ANY BETTER when you provide the solution; “well, what if we took him by ourselves, then you wouldn’t have to go?”  I’ll just go ahead and answer that for you… NO!!!! It does NOT make me feel better to know that you’ll be taking my children out into the middle of nowhere where you think you are perfectly safe because you know things and I’m being paranoid.  That sort of flippant dismissal of my anxiety is the exact WRONG way to get your way in any conversation, especially where my children are involved.

It’s not going to happen, not at this point in my life as a parent.  I’m just not ready for that and I need you all to understand that this stretches far beyond some stupid, girly issue with bugs and pooping in a ditch.  It’s about none of those things.  I don’t care about any of that.  Okay, well that’s not entirely true because deadly spiders are not on my list of play date buddies for my kids and it’s no big secret that I’ve got a pretty severe case of arachnophobia… but the issue here goes far beyond any of those things and, at least for now, these films I love and grew up with have completely tainted my ability to enjoy any sort of experience in any forest, but especially those with pine trees and now that I have children (aka; bait for all things evil), I’m especially wary.

So, unless tents now come equipped with electric fences, bug zapper mats that kill dangerous insects and repel venomous snakes who come in contact with it… we’ll probably be opting out.  They also must come with padlocks on the sippers to make sure the kids can’t sneak out in the night when they are lured by the soft voice of a lady in white. They’ll need an alarm system that goes off if anyone steps within 100 feet of the tent, steel reinforcement in the walls and my own personal Buffy the Vampire Slayer to keep watch for all my other-worldly needs and if there is no such tent available… WE’RE NOT GOING.

Now, I might try camping in a motor home…  They have thicker walls, doors and windows that actually lock and the ability to drive away quickly before a monster could actually get into the place I sleep.  Although, even then, there is absolutely no guarantee this would keep me alive, nor would it guarantee that a bad guy/monster couldn’t just do something to the outside (slashing tires, ruining the engine, pushing the entire thing into a large body of water or off a cliff while we slept, surrounding it with satanic cult members, etc.) inevitably killing us anyway…

Sooooo…. yeah.  Never mind.  It’ll probably take mama a whole lot of anti-anxiety medication to get me to agree to all that.

While on the subject of summer vacations, tomorrow we are going to talk about a family favorite, a film dear to many as one of the best summer scare flicks of all time.    See you then!